Wish
by Jaywings
Summary: "This is the last straw!" he shouted, flinging the case file at the wall. Papers, newspaper clippings, and blurry photos flew everywhere. Dib huddled on the floor, pulling his trench coat tightly around him. The last straw for what? He didn't know. But it was too much!
1. A Mysterious Appearance

A/N: This is an Invader Zim/Fairly OddParents crossover, but it's highly centered on IZ. It takes place long after the FOP canon so most characters from that show are not going to show up (this is more of a crossover with the universe than the specific canon, except for an older version of one character).

* * *

It was going to be a bad day. That much was evident. Dib regarded the woman at the front of the classroom—standing ramrod straight, ankles together, hands clasped behind her back, spectacles perched on the bridge of her nose. And yes, they were definitely spectacles, not glasses.

"I am Ms. Bridgewater," the woman said in a clear voice to the class. "I will be substituting for your usual teacher, Ms. Bitters, who seems to have gotten 'fed up' with you children and locked herself in the janitor's closet to contain her anger. Apparently everyone is too afraid to try to get her out. I will now call roll." She whipped a piece of paper seemingly from nowhere and scanned the list. "Hm… your last names are not given… Very well… Aki? …Brian? …Carl?"

A chorus of 'here's rang out as she called the names. Then she came to a spot on the list and paused. "…Dib." She raised her eyes and glared right at him. "Your reputation precedes you."

Dib started. Reputation? _That_ couldn't be good. Maybe she'd heard about the vampire gerbil incident. Or maybe the FBI had told her about the Ninja ghost that Dib had spent three carefully-planned months getting rid of!

"I've got my eye on you, young man," Ms. Bridgewater said with narrowed eyes. "I know what you've done in the past and bullying is _not_ tolerated in my classroom."

"_What?_" Dib spluttered, shocked to the core. Bullying? Huh? People had complained about him before, plenty of people, but it was usually for something like 'chattering' to them about the different types of poltergeists when they weren't in the mood to hear it. "Ms. Bridgewater, I don't know what—" Dib stopped. The substitute had started calling out the next few names. Dib had interrupted her.

Ms. Bridgewater raised her eyebrow at him, _hmphed_, and continued reading names. Dib was left to ponder what she had meant. Maybe she had been talking about people bullying _him_, which happened occasionally. (Usually people just went out of their way to avoid him.) But then… why had it sounded like she was angry with _him?_ Odd.

Ms. Bridgewater reached one of the last names on the list. "Zim!"

Her entire demeanor changed. She smiled, an actual, warm, _friendly_ smile, and literally _ran_ over to Zim's desk. "_Sweetie_. I've heard about you. How are you doing today? All right?"

Zim leaned away from her. "Heh?"

"I've heard about you, too, child. And about your—" Ms. Bridgewater's voice dropped to a whisper, "—_condition_."

Zim gawked at her without comprehending, then cleared his throat. "Oh, erm, yes, it's, eh, horrible." He was still straining backwards as if desperate to get as far away from the woman as he could without leaving his chair.

"Poor _baby_." The substitute's eyes were sorrowful. "If there's ever anything you need, let me know right away."

Dib raised his hand—really just as a formality because he went ahead and talked without being called on—and said, "Ms. Bridgewater! That's not a skin condition. He's an alien!"

And the walls came down.

"DETENTION!" Ms. Bridgewater spat, all traces of kindness vanished. She strode across the room and leered down at Dib. When compared with the terrifying glares Ms. Bitters would give the class, hers was kind of pathetic, but where Ms. Bitters' voice was a loud rasp Ms. Bridgewater's shout was a piercing screech. Dib recoiled.

Giving her a bewildered stare, he said, "But I—"

"You will stay in this classroom during lunch and recess, _and _after skool!" Ms. Bridgewater said.

Dib took a shuddering breath. "Yes, Ma'am."

The class sat stock-still. Ms. Bridgewater finished the roll, then tried to figure out what to do with the herd of fifth-graders blinking owlishly up at her. Apparently Ms. Bitters hadn't left a lesson plan.

Something hit Dib in the back of the head, to a small eruption of snickering. It was a ball of paper. Dib smoothed it out and saw that it was a note. A note saying, "That's what you get for always picking on Zim!" except most of the words were misspelled and the handwriting was so sloppy Dib could barely read it. Dib glanced around the class and saw that the note could only have been from… _Chunk_. The guy who picked on anyone smaller than him every chance he got! Typical. Dib crumpled the paper up again and dropped it on the floor.

_Picking on Zim_. So… not _only_ were his attempts to protect the Earth from a race of imperialistic aliens ignored and even hindered by the people around him, it was considered _bullying?_ Zim wasn't even a real kid! Who knew how old he actually was?!

* * *

After that the class passed uneventfully. Dib, having no intention to be yelled at again, said nothing else. The bell rang and the room filled with shuffling noises and voices as everyone stood and headed out, toward the cafeteria. Dib remained in his seat.

The classroom emptied. A few seconds passed before a shadow fell over Dib—Ms. Bridgewater had stepped in front of his desk once more.

She got right to the point. "_Dib_. I have heard what you've done to Zim, and what you've said to many other children in this Skool. Calling them _aliens? _Saying their parents are _yetis?_"

Dib turned his gaze up to hers. "Ms. Bridgewater, I'm a paranormal investigator. Everything I've said is—"

"—Is _bullying!_" the substitute snapped. "You're no _investigator_. You make up lies about your classmates and try to spread the rumors. Poor little Zim is very sick with a serious medical condition, and I have _footage_," her face flushed with anger, "Footage of _you_, dumping water on him, throwing _food_ at him, _kicking_ him, and tying him to the _tether pole!_"

"It's not a skin condition!" Dib said desperately. "He's an _alien!_"

The substitute's voice rose even higher. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! _You_ are the monster, not your classmates like you try to convince everyone! You are one of the most despicable creatures I've ever seen in my entire substituting career! A _BULLY!_"

She glared at Dib's sheet-white face for a moment. Then she went and sat behind Ms. Bitters' desk like she owned it… like nothing whatsoever had happened… like a young boy's heart hadn't just shattered.

Dib was gripping his own desk so hard that he thought part of it might break off. He couldn't even seem to remember how to breathe.

"Ms… Ms. Bridgewater…" His voice came out as a croak. "I need to use the restroom."

Ms. Bridgewater waved toward the door. "Go, just be quick about it. And if I get _one_ complaint about you from another student…"

Before she could finish, Dib jumped up from his seat and left the room as fast as he could without running.

He stumbled into the boys' bathroom glassy and as if in some sort of trance. The bathroom was empty. He dashed into one of the stalls, slammed closed the door and locked it. He leaned his back against it. His breath came out in short gasps now. And his eyes stung. He sank to the ground, burying his head in his hands, and gave himself over to sporadic shuddering.

But he wouldn't let himself cry. Not again. He let out a long breath through his nose.

_I wish Ms. Bitters was back_.

* * *

Some hours later, Dib opened the door of his house and stood lamely in the entryway. Ms. Bridgewater had kept him after skool until the sun had gone down—he'd had to walk home. In the dark.

He wandered into the living room to see Gaz sitting on the couch watching TV.

"You're quiet," Gaz said, not looking up at him. "For _once_."

Dib rubbed his forehead. "Look… Gaz, I really can't do this today. Okay? Please?" She hadn't even asked why he was home so late. Maybe she was used to it.

Gaz shrugged. "Hey, I'm not complaining."

"Is Dad here?" Dib asked.

"_No._ He's not coming back for three more weeks, remember? Oh, and I recorded over your stupid Mysterious Mysteries today. The nature channel was broadcasting a documentary on piranhas."

Dib didn't say anything. He just turned back the way he had come and headed up the stairs to his room.

For a long while he just stood in the middle of the floor, staring at nothing, his stomach churning. Then he ran across the room and grabbed the nearest case file on his desk.

"This is the _last straw!_" he shouted, flinging it at the wall. Papers, newspaper clippings, and blurry photos flew everywhere. Dib huddled on the floor, pulling his trench coat tightly around him. The last straw for what? He didn't know. But it was too much! Detention? A new Mysterious Mysteries episode that had been deleted for a piranha documentary?! And the teacher! Even Ms. Bitters, as intimidating as she was, had never screamed in his face! The worst thing _she_ had ever done was make him clean Zim's puss-mess with a—ew, EW, no, never mind, he was never going to think about that _again_.

Someone knocked on the door. Dib jerked his head up. "Huh?"

"Dad called on the hover screen and says to eat leftovers instead of ordering pizza again," Gaz said from outside. She sounded disappointed.

"…Okay, sure," Dib said, but Gaz didn't respond. She must have already gone back downstairs. Dib stood back up, gulped, and tried to regain composure.

At least he'd never have to see Ms. Bridgewater again. She was a substitute. Tomorrow, Ms. Bitters would be back, and Dib would be back to dealing with the old horrors instead of these new ones.

Dib caught sight of the case file he had thrown, with its contents strewn all over the room. He shook his head and rushed over, picking up the papers, trying to reorder them, putting them back in the folder. Inwardly he berated himself. How could he have treated such important documents so carelessly?

Then the folder began to glow with a blue light.

_Whoa!_ Dib snatched his hand away and stared at the folder. What was causing that?! Spirits? Ectoplasm? Alien technology? What was going—

Glittering trails of light burst up into the air from the folder. They spiraled together and shone brighter than anything Dib had ever seen. He squinted. And then… and then a _person_ appeared out of the light. A little person, about the same height as Dib, with large eyes the same color as its light purple hair. The light disappeared. Dib rubbed his eyes under his glasses and blinked. The person was holding a cheesy looking wand-thing with a star on the tip, and had a little gold crown floating above its head.

"Hi!" the person said in what Dib presumed to be a somewhat masculine voice. Somehow the person was still floating. Was this some sort of trick? A hallucination? Something paranormal? Whatever it was, it couldn't be what it _looked_ like…

"What are you?" Dib asked faintly. He hoped it wasn't a poltergeist. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with one of those right now. The thing drifted closer and Dib saw that it had little iridescent bee-like wings whirring on its back. Despite the speed they were moving, they made no sound.

"I'm Poof!" the fairy said, smiling. "And I'm… your fairy godparent!"


	2. Da Rules

"You're my… what?" Dib gawked at the little floating creature that had appeared in his bedroom. He stood, picking up the case file he had thrown, and rifled through it in complete confusion. Had he accidentally activated some sort of spell that summoned this thing?

The creature floated a little closer. "I'm your fairy—Oh, sorry, hang on…" It zipped upward and waved its wand, causing giant golden letters to burst into existence and hang in the air. "Your FAIRY GODPARENT!" Those very words hung in the air, flashed, and then vanished, causing Dib to blink rapidly. "You have been judged as one of the saddest little kids on planet Earth. And I've been assigned to help you!"

Dib's heart skipped a beat and he unconsciously clutched the case file to his chest. "You mean… I get three wishes?"

The fairy laughed. "Three? You get way more than _three!_ You get as many as you want!" He flourished the wand-thing.

Dib's eyes flicked to the beating insect wings, then the gravity-defying crown, then the glowing wand. For all intents and purposes, this creature _did_ look like a… fairy.

He darted to his computer, dropped the case file on the desk, and opened his email, fingers flying over the keyboard.

The fairy appeared above his computer in a puff of white smoke and Dib scooted his chair backwards in surprise.

"What are you doing?" the fairy demanded. It landed on top of Dib's computer and crouched there—it must have been pretty light. Well, it would have to be, for those little wings to suspend it in the air for so long.

Dib slid up to the computer again. "I'm sending an email to Mysterious Mysteries! They've never done an episode on fairies, and—"

"You can't!" The fairy jumped down onto the desk and spread his arms, blocking the computer screen. "If anyone ever finds out that I exist, I'll have to go away forever!"

Dib raised an eyebrow. "What does that even mean?"

The fairy brandished the goofy wand at him. "It means you won't have a fairy anymore. And you'll forget all about me. And you haven't even made any wishes yet!"

Dib frowned and narrowed his eyes. "…Oh. Okay." He pushed back away from the computer again and the fairy noticeably relaxed, lifting into the air once more. It didn't look like it was going anywhere. Dib pulled a notebook and a pen from his pocket. Maybe the fairy was telling the truth, and he _wasn't_ supposed to tell anyone. He could still take notes. He could decide what to do about the fairy when he figured out what was really going on here.

"So you grant wishes?" he verified. "As many wishes as I want?"

"Yeah!" The fairy grinned hugely.

"There are rules, I presume," Dib said.

The fairy's smile faded a little. "Um, yeah."

"No raising the dead, no wishing for someone to fall in love with you, no killing anyone…?" Dib counted them off on his fingers.

The fairy looked stunned. "How'd you know?"

Dib shrugged. "It's pretty standard. Another one is no wishing for more wishes, but you've already said there's no limit."

"Well, there's a little more," the fairy said, looking slightly miffed that Dib already knew the most important rules. "My magic can't mess with love at _all_. And you can't use magic to cheat in any sort of competition. And if you need my magic, you have to actually wish for something, unless it's some sort of situation that directly threatens your life… or mine. But other than that it's pretty much endless! Go on, wish for something!" He grinned excitedly, clutching the wand under his chin with both hands.

"Um, okay." Dib thought hard. What to wish for? Half an hour ago he would've been able to come up with any number of things. Now his mind was completely blank. "I wish I had, um… some pizza."

The fairy hesitated. "How much? What kind?"

"Do I really need to be that specific?" Dib jotted that down in his notebook.

"No! No, it's okay!" the fairy said hurriedly. "Alaca-_ZAM!_" He lunged forward with the wand, which shimmered even brighter. A pizza box materialized out of thin air and fell to the ground. The room instantly filled with the warm scent of it.

"Whoa!" Dib jumped up and ran to it. Opening the box, he saw that it contained a fresh pepperoni pizza. "How did you do that?! Did you somehow make this out of thin air? Did you _steal_ this from somewhere? The box isn't marked. It just says… 'Pizza.'"

"I'm… not actually sure where it comes from," the fairy admitted. "That's never come up before."

"Well, it's _really_ cool!" Dib picked up the pizza box and set it on his desk, taking out a slice and munching on it. "It tastes fine, too. And no raisins!" Seeing the confused look the fairy gave him, Dib hurried to explain. "I met another wish-granting creature once. It didn't go so well."

"I'm sorry." The fairy looked beseechingly at the pizza box. "Can I…?"

"Oh! Yeah, sure." Dib hopped onto his bed and the fairy fluttered down to the pizza, taking a slice for himself. "A real fairy! There's never been any conclusive evidence that you guys exist, y'know."

"Oh, yeah. Well, we do our best to stay hidden. Only the kids who actually have fairy godparents are supposed to know we're real."

Dib stared at him. "Well, what are you going to do when—"

Something flung Dib's door open, nearly causing him to jump out of his skin. He jerked his head up to see Gaz standing there in the doorway—she must've kicked the door open.

"Gaz!" Dib gasped. His eyes darted around frantically but the fairy had already vanished. Smart fairy. Had Gaz heard him talking to someone? What would he say when she asked him what—

"I knew you had pizza in here!" Gaz said, marching over and opening the box. "I could smell it from _downstairs_." She took a piece without asking and bit into it.

That was it? Dib could've slapped himself. He should've known. "Don't tell Dad," was all he said.

"Mm." Gaz shrugged, still chewing on her pizza. She swallowed. "What's with the fish?"

Fish? Dib started. There was a fishbowl sitting on his desk with a single goldfish swimming slow circles around the inside. That had _not_ been there a minute ago.

"I don't… know," Dib said truthfully. Gaz could spot a lie from a mile away. "I've never seen it before."

Gaz didn't press him about the goldfish. She just growled in disgust, took another slice of pizza, and left the room.

Dib jumped up and closed his door after her. Then he ran to the new fishbowl and peered inside. "You can shape-shift, too?"

"Yeah!" the fish said. In English. Its voice barely even sounded distorted by the water. "It helps us stay hidden."

"But… why a goldfish?"

The fish disappeared from the bowl and the fairy materialized in the air again. "No reason, it's just what I'm used to. Is that okay?" He wrung his hands.

"Well, yeah… I mean, I guess." Dib paused. "What did you say your name was, again?"

"Poof!" the fairy replied. A purple fairy named Poof who turned into a goldfish. Hm, whatever. "And what's yours?"

Dib stared. "You were 'assigned' to me but you don't know my name?"

Poof shrugged and looked away sheepishly. "Well, yeah, I do _know_ it, it just seems more formal for you to give it to me."

"Oh, okay. Well, in that case, I'm Dib." He held his hand out to the fairy, unsure what else to do. Poof reached down and took it. His hand was small and soft, like a child's, but it was warm and felt human. Dib made a mental note to write that down later.

"It's a pleasure to meet you!" the fairy said, and smiled. Dib smiled back. A creature that could grant his every wish…

Poof pulled away again and looked at the closed door. "Who was that… girl that was here?"

Dib looked too. "Oh, that was my sister, Gaz. Why?"

Poof tore his gaze away from the door. "Um. Nothing." He brightened. "So, what do you wanna do first? You've only made one wish, and that was for pizza! Is there an amusement park around here? You could wish yourself first in all the lines! And you can make the rides go at top speed!"

"Actually, I have to do homework and go to bed," Dib said, suddenly remembering how late it was. Poof drooped a little. Dib paused and then continued. "I might have… _one_ wish, though. Can you… kill an alien?"

"_What?_" Poof's wings stopped beating for a split second and he dropped several inches in the air.

"Never mind!" Dib said quickly. He sat down at his computer and pulled up his web browser. "Look, I need to do Skoolwork. Do fairies sleep?"

"…Yeah," Poof said, still sounding shocked by Dib's question. "Well, we do on Earth, anyway. When we're in Fairy World we don't need much sleep."

Dib turned around and looked at him. "Fairy World?"

Poof nodded. "Yeah, that's where we live." He disappeared and became a little fish in the bowl again. "G'night… Dib."

"Um, goodnight." Dib watched the fish push through the door of the plastic castle in the middle of the bowl and swim inside. Maybe that was the fairy's little house. Was it bigger on the inside than the outside? Like the TARDIS? Or did he just shrink down really tiny to live in there? Or was the castle doorway simply a portal to an actual house, up in "Fairy World" or whatever? The castle was in a fishbowl—was the fairy's house filled with water? Dib resolved to ask these questions the next time he saw the fairy.

He realized that that was a sentence he had never imagined he would find himself thinking.

But anyway. For the time being he'd have to push the thoughts of magic from his mind and get to his math homework.


	3. Not Her, Not Again

_Entry #124_

_Subject: "Poof"_

_Classification: "Fairy godparent"_

_Gender: Male (probably)_

_Age: Unknown_

_Location: A fishbowl in my room!_

_Questions:_

_-Does he have a last name? How are fairies identified?_

_-Where does his supply of magic come from and what are its limits?_

_-How old is he? How long is a fairy's lifespan?_

_-What do fairies eat?_

_-Do they eat?_

_-What is their society like?_

_-Can they read?_

_-How do fairies_

"Good morning, Dib!" With a loud _pop_ the purple fairy godparent appeared in the air next to Dib's bed, beaming with his arms spread wide.

Dib, sitting at his desk and scribbling in his notebook, yelped in surprise and his pen fell to the ground.

Poof glanced over at him and his face fell. "…Oh. You're already up."

"Yeah, I didn't expect you to—" Dib hastily closed his notebook and dropped it into his backpack. "…I usually get up pretty early. That's when a lot of the supernatural stuff comes out, y'know? Dusk and dawn have the highest peaks of paranormal activity." He'd been up for at least forty-five minutes already. So far, nothing interesting had been picked up on any of his monitors. Just the same as every morning… but... it was worth a shot, right?

Poof was looking at him oddly. "Paranormal stuff? …Okay…" He brightened up and flitted over to Dib. "Well! It's bright, it's early—well, actually it's not that bright, but it's early! We have the whole day ahead of us! Got any wishes for this morning?"

"Um… no, not… really," Dib said awkwardly. He still didn't have a clue what he should wish for.

"Are you sure?" Poof asked.

The fairy looked really disappointed. Dib glanced around and his eyes fell on the pizza box from last night. "Okay, I guess I wish that was downstairs in the trash," he said, pointing at it. "If there's any left it's probably no good now anyway. Hey, does your magic run out? I don't want to waste it!"

"No, it doesn't run out," Poof said, raising his star-tipped wand and causing the pizza box to vanish.

"Oh, okay. That's great!" Dib smiled, shouldered his backpack, and went to open his door.

Poof fluttered after him. "Hey, where are you going?"

Dib looked at him and jerked his thumb at the door. "Breakfast, and then I've got to go to Skool. I guess you can just… stay in here and—"

"Cool! I'll come with you!" the fairy said. He was grinning. Did he ever stop smiling?

Dib looked Poof up and down. He was quite obviously a fairy. "…Come with me? How?"

Poof did a little twirl in the air. "Wish me up a disguise!"

That hadn't occurred to Dib. What was the fairy capable of turning into? A goldfish, apparently, but Dib couldn't really bring a goldfish to Skool. What about an inanimate object? It would have to be something inconspicuous, unnoticeable…

…Not that the people at Skool were renowned for their powers of observation. In fact, he could probably walk right into class with the fairy hovering over his shoulder shooting fireworks up into the air and screaming "LOOK I HAVE WINGS" and no one would bat an eyelash.

Or, with his luck, they _would_ notice and he'd lose the fairy before he even got to wish for anything neat. So… back to the "inconspicuous and unnoticeable" plan.

"I wish you were a watch," Dib said.

The fairy's wand sparked and he disappeared. A purple watch sprang into existence on Dib's wrist with a little animated sprite version of Poof hovering beside the digital time display.

Wait, a sprite of a sprite? Hah.

Dib didn't say that out loud.

"Hey, neat idea!" the little animated Poof said, tapping on the glass of the watch face. It made little _ting_ noises. "Is the sound coming through okay?"

"Yeah, the sound's fine," Dib replied. He hoped no one would ask where he had gotten the watch. Actually, come to think of it, no one would probably care.

Dib's heart did a little skip. He had a mythical creature literally _sitting on his wrist_. This was so cool! He couldn't wait to tell Gaz! Oh wait. He had to keep the fairy a secret. _Man_, that was annoying.

He opened the door, headed down the hall, and stepped down the stairs, finding himself unable to look away from the fairy on his wrist.

"Do fairies eat?" he asked as he walked. "Do you have a specific diet?"

"We can eat anything!" Poof replied. "Well, anything you guys can, anyway."

"Hey, if you can't use your magic unless I wish for something, do I have to wish up food for you?"

"Dib! Who are you talking to?" Gaz demanded from somewhere. It sounded like she was in the kitchen.

"No one!" Dib said, and regretted it immediately. That was dumb. He was obviously talking to someone! Wow… he was really terrible at this…

Gaz didn't respond to him. Dib entered the kitchen to see that she was sitting at the table and munching spoonfuls of cereal.

"Morning," he greeted her, sitting down and pouring a bowl for himself. Gaz just grunted. Dib paused. "Hey, has Dad come back yet?"

"No, I don't know when he'll come back," Gaz replied.

"Oh." Dib looked down at his cereal and gave it a stir. That was okay. Professor Membrane was just too busy, that was understandable. And besides, Dib had other things to think about!

He gulped down his cereal so fast that Gaz looked at him with one eyebrow raised. As soon as he finished he jumped up from the table and ran to the front door and heaved his backpack onto his back, his hands clenching and unclenching in his excitement at the prospect of having a magical wish-granting creature with him at Skool. Would he be able to make wishes there? What on Earth should he wish for?

"Gaz, c'mon!" he called. A couple minutes later Gaz entered the room and trailed over to him with her own backpack resting on her shoulders.

"You're acting so _weird_," she said.

"Just come on. Don't want to be late!"

* * *

The jubilation was short-lived; when Dib entered his classroom he stumbled to a halt and his insides froze solid. No. Not her. Not again. _Not again_.

"What's wrong?" Poof whispered from Dib's wrist. "Is that your teacher?"

"Substitute…" Dib said faintly.

Ms. Bridgewater looked up from the little stack of papers in her hands. Her spectacles seemed to glitter in the light. "Good morning, Dib. I trust we won't have any further trouble from you today?"

Dib swallowed, inhaled, and willed his heart to start beating again. He could do this. Today would be different than yesterday.

"HAH, yet another ally for ZIIIM," the green Irken snickered from his seat near the door, watching Dib and the substitute teacher in amusement.

Dib narrowed his eyes. The stupid alien had to be saying that just to get on his nerves. Well, he could _still_ do this. He headed across the room and slid into his desk.

Ms. Bridgewater stood and regarded the class. "Children, as you can see, your teacher still has yet to return from… the janitor's closet." She adjusted her spectacles. "So I'm to substitute for her again. However, I still have not received a lesson plan… your ordinary teacher seems a bit… incompetent. What were you learning about before she left?"

"We were talking about horrible medical experiments people did at different points in history," Dib said.

The substitute regarded him coolly. "I see. Can anyone verify that?" She looked at the rest of the class.

Dib rested his head on his desk. So now she didn't even trust him to tell the truth about Ms. Bitters' lesson plans.

"Yeah, Dib's right for once," Zita, the girl who had the unfortunate position of sitting in the desk behind Zim's, said. Ms. Bridgewater looked a little irritated.

"That's too graphic for children your age," she sniffed. "We'll work on your times tables instead."

The class let out a collective groan. Dib figured everyone had been hoping for another day of almost no work, like yesterday. A few people were glaring at him, as if they considered it _his_ fault that they were being forced to practice their multiplication skills.

Ms. Bridgewater cleared her throat and addressed the entire class. "Two times two," she said.

"Four," the class moaned. Dib was silent.

"Three times three."

"…Nine?"

"Five times seven."

There was a long pause. Dib felt like his fingernails were digging into his desk. Huh, if this kept up, the thing would be covered with scratches by the end of the week. He still didn't say anything.

"_Oh_, for the love of—it's thirty-five!" Zim blurted from across the room, pounding his fists on the table. "You sick and wretched humans don't even know the simplest of mathematical equations! How is it _possible_ that you've achieved what little space travel you've achieved? …Erm eh heheh…" He calmed down and leaned away from the rest of the class. "…And I love Earth!"

Dib slowly put his hand in the air.

Ms. Bridgewater, who had had raised one eyebrow at Zim's outburst, looked around at Dib. "What?" she snapped.

Dib's hand dropped back to his side. "…Zim called us 'sick and wretched humans.' Don't you think that's a little—"

"That is _enough_ out of you!" Ms. Bridgewater stormed over to Dib's desk, looking livid. "I thought I had made my position on bullying quite clear yesterday but apparently I had not. Zim is _not_ an alien, do you understand? He is a troubled young boy with a skin condition! Now GET OUT!"

Dib looked at her in surprise. "What?" Get out? Get out where?

"The hallway! You will sit the rest of class out in the hall _away_ from the other children. And if I hear one word out of you, you're going to the principal's office!"

Dib stiffened. He'd never even _seen_ the principal. From what he'd heard, the principal was even worse than Ms. Bitters, and he quickly decided that it would be in his best interests to stay far away from that office.

"Yes ma'am," he said, got up, and exited the room. Once out in the hall he closed the door and slid to the ground with his back against the row of lockers. There was a _pop_. Dib's watch disappeared from his wrist and Poof materialized, hovering in the air in front of him.

"Okay, what was all _that_ about?" the fairy asked.

Dib sighed and pulled his knees to his chest. "That's… my life," he said.

Poof dropped down and landed on the ground, his fast-beating wings coming to a rest. "That sort of thing happens to you a lot, huh?"

Something stirred in Dib's mind. The fairy sounded concerned. Was this someone who might actually believe him about Zim?

"…Do you believe in aliens?" he asked.

"Oh, sure!" Poof said with a little wave of his hand. "When I was a fairy baby we used to deal with them all the time! It was fun, one time I—" He stopped. Maybe he'd said too much… but Dib was staring.

Okay, maybe asking a fairy if it believed in aliens had been a bad idea. But it was something! Something he'd never had before—someone who might listen to him! He sat up on his knees. "Did you notice anything weird about the green kid?"

Poof blinked. "Other than… he's green?"

"He's an alien!" Dib pointed at the closed classroom door and suddenly remembered Ms. Bridgewater's threat. He lowered his voice and sank back down. "Zim is an alien sent to invade Earth. But no one will believe me!" Poof glanced at the door.

"Are you sure he's here to take over Earth?" he asked. "What if he's just here for… peace? Or something?"

Dib looked at him, aghast. "He's trying to conquer the Earth! You think I risk my life again and again to protect everyone on the planet and foil the dumb schemes of a _peaceful_ alien?! He's tried to kill me over…" he did a quick count in his head, "…four times!"

"Okay, okay!" Poof backed away with his palms facing out. "I'm sorry. Look, I guess I don't know what all's going on here. They didn't give me much information for the assignment…"

"Guess not," Dib said. He didn't look at the fairy. His finger traced invisible patterns on the dirty linoleum floor. "You weren't given much information? That seems dumb. What if you ended up with some weird kid that you had no idea how to deal with?"

"Ah, heh, yeah," Poof said with an awkward smile, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, I guess the system might have some drawbacks…"

Dib sat bolt upright, his eyes wide. "Hey! Wait! I could make a wish!"

Poof started. "Ooh! What? Wish for what?" he asked excitedly.

Dib didn't answer right away. What would help him here? He couldn't take another minute of Ms. Bridgewater yelling at him. He… he just couldn't. And to make sure he wouldn't have to…

"I… wish Ms. Bitters was back," he said.

"Huh?" Poof said. His wand remained dark.

Dib glanced at him. "My old—real—teacher. I wish she was back."

"Gotcha," the fairy godparent acknowledged, and gave him a thumbs-up. "ALACA-_ZAM!_" He raised his wand in the air and it glowed.

A shadow fell over the hallway. Instantly, Poof vanished in a puff of smoke and once again became a watch.

"Dib!" the woman suddenly walking… gliding?... toward the classroom said sharply. "Get back inside to your desk where you belong!"

"Ms. Bitters!" Dib jumped to his feet, his back still pressed against the lockers. His teacher looked the same as ever. Old, black pointy dress, gray hair pulled into a bun. Dib had never been so relieved to see her.

"That vacation was horrible," Ms. Bitters growled as she passed him. "I almost missed being constantly surrounded by you whining children."

Her vacation in the janitor's closet? Okay…

Ms. Bitters shoved open the door. "All right, you're through!" she said to the shocked Ms. Bridgewater standing at the front of the class. "Get out of my classroom. You're an embarrassment to teaching."

The substitute stood up ramrod straight. "I will have you know that I have a doctorate!" she said.

"I'll have you know that I couldn't care less," Ms. Bitters said flatly. "There's the door. I suggest you use it before I get angry."

Ms. Bridgewater tried to lock eyes with Ms. Bitters, probably in an attempt at some sort of glaring contest, but of course failed miserably and quailed away. She glanced at the students gawking at her from their desks, then back at Ms. Bitters.

"Have it your way, then!" she said. "But you are doing an _atrocious_ job with these students if you allow them to accuse each other of being aliens and 'teach' them about things like morbid medical experiments!"

Ms. Bitters leaned over, her eyes firing daggers at the substitute. "What I teach are the only subjects worth learning!" she snarled.

Ms. Bridgewater left rather quickly.

She barely even glanced at Dib on her way out the door. Dib slunk back into the classroom and dropped into his seat.

Ms. Bitters sat down behind her desk. "Well, class, I'm back," she said. As if anyone hadn't noticed. "Stare at your desks until the lunch bell rings."

"You'd… rather have _her _than the anti-bully crone?" Poof asked quietly from Dib's wrist.

"Yep, I'd say she's the lesser of two evils." Dib gave a little smile to the watch. "Thanks for the wish."

"You've never had a friend like me!" Poof replied.

But he looked a little unsure.


End file.
